Spring is here!
Well, kind of.
The weather is weird in the midwest, and the recent rain/snow has been bumming me out. You know what's fun when you're bummed out? Horoscopes! (You remember reading those in junior high, right?)
So, pour yourself a cup of coffee, find your favorite bunny slippers, and let's find out what the internet says the planets say are in store for us!
(Disclaimer: I'm not an actual astrologer. I have simply googled "zodiac signs" and "daily horoscopes" for the purpose of a fun little blog post.)
Aries: March 21— April 19
Your Horoscope: You're courageous and driven, and don't like to be stagnant. Sports and competition appeal to you, and you make a fine leader. This week, change is in the air. Pay attention to signs and intuitions, and let them dictate your decisions.
What that actually means: This week, your school-aged kids will be able to feel the changes in the air— specifically the coming end of the school year. Pay attention to the signs (increased whining, 12 minutes to put on each shoe), buy extra snacks, and start bingeing a fantasy series on Netflix so that you can pretend you're in space or something where you can't hear any whining.
If your kids aren't in school? I predict A) Teething B) Growth Spurt, or C) a regression in potty training.
Taurus: April 20— May 20
Your Horoscope: You're incredibly loyal, drawn to the creative aspects of life, and stubbornly passionate. According to the internet, it's a good month for you. You're feeling pretty good, drawing in some favorable attention. Appreciate it and ride that wave.
What that actually means: You made it to the gym! You got a load of dishes done! You ran into that ONE ex at the grocery store and he/she did a double-take! I don't know what's going on here, but take advantage of it. Enter a sweepstakes! Go bowling! Take your kid to a playdate and see if he/she has stopped biting people! You might win big.
(Maybe. Did I mention I'm not an astrologist?)
Gemini: May 21— June 20
Your Horoscope: You're gentle, affectionate, and mostly social… although you have a tendency to be indecisive. Now, I think it has something to do with planets, but apparently you need to take better care of yourself this month. Implement a self-care plan and take a few steps back.
What that really means: Let's not sugar-coat this. There's a good chance that the next time someone asks you for a glass of milk, you're going to start screaming and then cry a lot. Time for some self-care: give the kids an extra hour of screen time and lock yourself in the closet.
Cancer: June 21— July 22
Your Horoscope: You're a tricky one, Cancer. You're described as "tenacious" and emotional, with a tendency to be a little insecure. Apparently this month is a great time to nurture your inner child and get nostalgic.
What that really means: You're probably going to be watching a lot of Blue's Clues. This counts even if your kids are older and don't watch cartoons. Let's be honest: Blue's Clues was awesome and you don't want to get off the couch to find the remote.
Leo: July 23— August 22
Your Horoscope: You're generous, warm-hearted, and cheerful… with a bit of an arrogant streak. This month is promising to be exciting and busy, so take a risk or two, but not too many. Family is a top priority for you right now, so doing too much might detract from that.
What that really means: This month is going to be full of wedding invitations, graduation parties, and a bunch of your kids' sports practices and games, or dance recitals, or… you know, whatever it is your kids do. And of course, this will be the the month that you also get invited out for drinks with friends.
Do it. Go. Go out. Have fun. Seriously, just do it. Just don't get too crazy; you still have to wake up at 5:30 am to pour bowls of cereal for small people.
Virgo: August 23— September 22
Your Horoscope: You're loyal, hardworking, and analytical, but you're known to be critical of both yourself and others. You're also right on the cusp of some positive financial changes, so make sure you think through any purchase decisions before making them.
What that really means: Tax refund. It's probably the tax refund. Or maybe you got overcharged $9.32 cents at the doctor and you're going to get a refund check in the mail… either way, don't get crazy with it, and make sure you spend SOME of it on yourself. Like for a pack of gum or a latte or something.
Libra: September 23— August 22nd
Your Horoscope: Libras are often social beings who are fair-minded and diplomatic. This can lead to a fear of confrontation and indecisiveness at times. This month, though? Things are looking up. It's a good time to be open to new ideas and experiences.
What that really means: Maybe you've been crushing it at work… maybe you've been eating really healthy foods for a few days. (Like, seriously, smoothies for breakfast and kale all that jazz.) Whatever it is, ride that wave and try something new… like that yoga you do on a paddleboard or buying a shirt that isn't the same Target T-Shirt in 12 different colors.
Scorpio: October 23— November 21
Your Horoscope: You're brave, passionate, and stubborn, which can be both positive and negative at times. This month, though, it looks like the tough stuff is getting easier and some good stuff is headed your way, particularly in the form of new friendships and relationships.
What that really means: You've got a few possible scenarios: Maybe you meet a new friend at the park and you frolic off into the future with your children in tow… or maybe your kid gets so many ear infections you become surprisingly close with the intake nurse at the clinic. One of those two, I'm thinking.
Sagittarius: November 22— December 21
Your Horoscope: You're idealistic and have a great sense of humor… you can get ahead of yourself sometimes and bite off more than you can chew. Whoah… this month looks good. You are, apparently, giving out an attractive vibe to others, and it's a good month to explore artistic things.
What that really means: You know that other parent you always want to talk to at the park but are afraid to look like a creeper? It looks like it's a good month to give it a shot. Also, it looks like it's time to search Pinterest for a few new exciting ways to use food coloring in order to occupy your kids for 3.7 minutes.
Capricorn: December 22— January 19
Your Horoscope: You are responsible, dependable, and disciplined… with a small penchant to be perceived as a know-it-all. This month, you might find that arguments over unimportant things are quick to occur. Choose your battles.
What that really means: Oof. I don't know what to tell you. Be prepared for your kid to yell at you about the color of the grass, and for your spouse to "comment" on the way you load the dishwasher. Good luck.
Aquarius: January 20— February 18
Your Horoscope: You're independent and progressive, but can come off as temperamental at times. Something is going on with the moon, which means that you're going to feel empowered and energized… just don't get too cocky.
What that really means: There's a good chance that something miraculous involving your kid's diet is going to happen. He or she might eat a whole bowl of peas or something fancy like quiche… just don't go bragging about it on Facebook. Karma likes to pop up in fancy public spaces like restaurants or Target.
Pisces: February 19— March 20
Your Horoscope: You're known to be passionate, gentle, and artistic, but can sometimes be overly fearful or nervous. Your astrological instructions this month are to take it easy and have fun, maybe try a new hobby that isn't a big commitment.
What that really means: You know that adult coloring book your friend bought you 4 years ago? It looks like you'll get approximately 37 extra minutes this month to actually start coloring in it. Have fun!
Didn't feel like your horoscope fit you?
That's okay. Feel free to replace it with this:
You're probably going to experience some awesome stuff and some awful stuff. Try to appreciate the awesome stuff as best you can, and maybe go for a walk or something if you feel like screaming.